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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Friend
Funny
Looks
Like
Lent
Surgery
Plastic
Mines
Mine

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
Emo Philips
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
Emo Philips
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips