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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Mines
Mine
Friend
Funny
Looks
Lent
Like
Surgery
Plastic

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips