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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Surgery
Plastic
Mines
Mine
Friend
Funny
Looks
Like
Lent

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips