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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Mine
Friend
Funny
Looks
Lent
Like
Surgery
Plastic
Mines

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Emo Philips
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
Emo Philips
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips