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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Laws
Please
Break
Law
Lord
Universe
Amen
Convenience

More quotes by Emo Philips

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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
Emo Philips
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Emo Philips
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Emo Philips