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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Amen
Convenience
Laws
Please
Break
Law
Lord
Universe

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Emo Philips
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
Emo Philips
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
Emo Philips
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips