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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Scared
Girls
Humor
Pretty
Funny
Girl
Used
Confessed

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips