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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Girls
Humor
Pretty
Funny
Girl
Used
Confessed
Scared

More quotes by Emo Philips

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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips