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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Used
Confessed
Scared
Girls
Humor
Pretty
Funny
Girl

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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips