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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Funny
Girl
Used
Confessed
Scared
Girls
Humor
Pretty

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Emo Philips
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Emo Philips