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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Like
Citizens
Rude
Humor
Citizen
Cities
Cards
Says
Library
Wonderful
Although
Guy
York
Funny
Prove
Stabbed
Today
City
Card

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips