Quote

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Humor
Citizen
Cities
Cards
Says
Library
Wonderful
Although
Guy
York
Funny
Prove
Stabbed
Today
City
Card
Like
Citizens
Rude

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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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