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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Wonderful
Although
Guy
York
Funny
Prove
Stabbed
Today
City
Card
Like
Citizens
Rude
Humor
Citizen
Cities
Cards
Says
Library

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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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