Quote

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Forgiveness
Asked
Funny
Doesn
Work
Stole
Way
Hilarious
Bike
Humorous

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips