Quote

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Asked
Funny
Doesn
Work
Stole
Way
Hilarious
Bike
Humorous
Forgiveness

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips