Quote

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Forgiveness
Asked
Funny
Doesn
Work
Stole
Way
Hilarious
Bike
Humorous

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
Emo Philips
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Emo Philips
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
Emo Philips
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Philips
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips