Quote

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Emo Philips

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Humorous
Forgiveness
Asked
Funny
Doesn
Work
Stole
Way
Hilarious
Bike

More quotes by Emo Philips

Image
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Emo Philips
Image
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
Image
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
Image
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
Image
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
Image
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Emo Philips
Image
I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
Emo Philips
Image
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips
Image
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
Image
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
Image
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
Image
I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips
Image
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
Image
I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips
Image
I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
Image
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
Emo Philips
Image
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
Image
I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
Image
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
Image
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips