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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Funny
Doesn
Work
Stole
Way
Hilarious
Bike
Humorous
Forgiveness
Asked

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips