Quote

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Girlfriend
Asked
Humor
Says
Ruby
Comedy
Rubies
Asks
Hello
Funny
Jack
Father
Marry

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
Emo Philips
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips