Quote

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Asked
Humor
Says
Ruby
Comedy
Rubies
Asks
Hello
Funny
Jack
Father
Marry
Girlfriend

More quotes by Emo Philips

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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips