Quote

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Says
Ruby
Comedy
Rubies
Asks
Hello
Funny
Jack
Father
Marry
Girlfriend
Asked
Humor

More quotes by Emo Philips

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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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