Quote

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Tried
Humor
Started
Morning
Piping
Funny
Pot
Firsts
Hot
First
Wake
Coffee

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips