Quote

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Tried
Humor
Started
Morning
Piping
Funny
Pot
Firsts
Hot
First
Wake
Coffee

More quotes by Emo Philips

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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
Emo Philips
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips