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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Days
Happened
Whatever
Parenting
Funny
Factories
Children
Humorous
Good
Worked
Humor
Comedy

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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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