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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Children
Humorous
Good
Worked
Humor
Comedy
Days
Happened
Whatever
Parenting
Funny
Factories

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips