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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Days
Happened
Whatever
Parenting
Funny
Factories
Children
Humorous
Good
Worked
Humor
Comedy

More quotes by Emo Philips

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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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