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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Speech
Brother
Humor
Says
Funny
Wells
Hooray
Well
Hello
Therapy

More quotes by Emo Philips

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips