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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Brother
Humor
Says
Funny
Wells
Hooray
Well
Hello
Therapy
Speech

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Emo Philips
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Emo Philips
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Emo Philips
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
Emo Philips
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips