Quote

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Wells
Hooray
Well
Hello
Therapy
Speech
Brother
Humor
Says
Funny

More quotes by Emo Philips

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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips