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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Funny
Wells
Hooray
Well
Hello
Therapy
Speech
Brother
Humor
Says

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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
Emo Philips