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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Love
Romance
Life
Sex
Like
Humor
Quite
Funny
Often
Mother
Didn
Sister

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
Emo Philips
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
Emo Philips
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
Emo Philips
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
Emo Philips