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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Funny
Often
Mother
Didn
Sister
Love
Romance
Life
Sex
Like
Humor
Quite

More quotes by Emo Philips

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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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