Quote

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Didn
School
Searched
Way
Guns
Gun
Gave
Humor
Comedy
Funny

More quotes by Emo Philips

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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips