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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
School
Searched
Way
Guns
Gun
Gave
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Didn

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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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