Quote

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Emo Philips

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Comedy
Funny
Didn
School
Searched
Way
Guns
Gun
Gave
Humor

More quotes by Emo Philips

Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Emo Philips
Image
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips
Image
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
Image
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Emo Philips
Image
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
Image
In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
Emo Philips
Image
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
Image
I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
Image
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
Image
Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips
Image
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips
Image
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
Image
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
Image
I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
Emo Philips
Image
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
Image
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
Image
One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Emo Philips
Image
The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
Emo Philips
Image
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
Emo Philips
Image
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips