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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Didn
School
Searched
Way
Guns
Gun
Gave

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips