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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Men
Bed
Caught
Humor
Comedy
Wife
Funny
Another
Two
Crushed

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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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