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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Comedy
Wife
Funny
Another
Two
Crushed
Men
Bed
Caught
Humor

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Emo Philips
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Philips