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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Another
Two
Crushed
Men
Bed
Caught
Humor
Comedy
Wife
Funny

More quotes by Emo Philips

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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips