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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Another
Two
Crushed
Bed
Men
Caught
Humor
Comedy
Wife
Funny

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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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