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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Never
Visit
Helps
Disaster
Smile
Comedy
Taught
Funny
Sites
Helping
Site

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips