Quote

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Taught
Funny
Sites
Helping
Site
Never
Visit
Helps
Disaster
Smile
Comedy

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
Emo Philips
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips