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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Wasn
Comedy
Night
Trying
Hopping
Gum
Bars
Lucky

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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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