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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Comedy
Night
Trying
Hopping
Gum
Bars
Lucky
Wasn

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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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