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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Night
Trying
Hopping
Gum
Bars
Lucky
Wasn
Comedy

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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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