Quote

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Men
Funny
Ladies
Pain
Caught
Reality
Asked
Two
Seem
Zipper
Seems
Humor
Zippers
Ever
Comedy
Childbirth
Real
Either
Naughty
Going
Heard
Pains

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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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