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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Seems
Humor
Zippers
Ever
Comedy
Childbirth
Real
Either
Naughty
Going
Heard
Pains
Men
Funny
Ladies
Pain
Caught
Reality
Asked
Two
Seem
Zipper

More quotes by Emo Philips

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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips