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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Either
Naughty
Real
Heard
Pains
Going
Funny
Ladies
Men
Pain
Caught
Reality
Asked
Two
Seem
Zipper
Seems
Humor
Zippers
Comedy
Childbirth
Ever

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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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