Quote

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Seems
Humor
Zippers
Ever
Comedy
Childbirth
Real
Either
Naughty
Going
Heard
Pains
Men
Funny
Ladies
Pain
Caught
Reality
Asked
Two
Seem
Zipper

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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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