Quote

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Seems
Humor
Zippers
Ever
Comedy
Childbirth
Real
Either
Naughty
Going
Heard
Pains
Men
Funny
Ladies
Pain
Caught
Reality
Asked
Two
Seem
Zipper

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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
Emo Philips