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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Going
Heard
Pains
Men
Funny
Ladies
Pain
Caught
Reality
Asked
Two
Seem
Zipper
Seems
Humor
Zippers
Ever
Comedy
Childbirth
Real
Either
Naughty

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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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