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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Ever
Comedy
Childbirth
Real
Either
Naughty
Going
Heard
Pains
Men
Funny
Ladies
Pain
Caught
Reality
Asked
Two
Seem
Zipper
Seems
Humor
Zippers

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
Emo Philips
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips