Quote

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Men
Funny
Ladies
Pain
Caught
Reality
Asked
Two
Seem
Zipper
Seems
Humor
Zippers
Ever
Comedy
Childbirth
Real
Either
Naughty
Going
Heard
Pains

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
Emo Philips
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips