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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Keep
Walking
Fifth
Thought
Return
Lesson
Today
Humor
Fifty
Wells
Taught
Realized
Well
Rather
Gonna
Wallet
Feel
Funny
Dollars
Wallets
Feels
Lost
Lessons
Avenue
Would
Found
Hundred
Avenues

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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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