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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Thought
Return
Lesson
Today
Humor
Fifty
Wells
Taught
Realized
Well
Rather
Gonna
Wallet
Feel
Funny
Dollars
Wallets
Feels
Lost
Lessons
Avenue
Would
Found
Hundred
Avenues
Keep
Walking
Fifth

More quotes by Emo Philips

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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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