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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Well
Rather
Gonna
Wallet
Feel
Funny
Dollars
Wallets
Feels
Lost
Lessons
Avenue
Would
Found
Hundred
Avenues
Keep
Walking
Fifth
Thought
Return
Lesson
Today
Humor
Fifty
Wells
Taught
Realized

More quotes by Emo Philips

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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips