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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Feels
Lost
Lessons
Avenue
Would
Found
Hundred
Avenues
Keep
Walking
Fifth
Thought
Return
Lesson
Today
Humor
Fifty
Wells
Taught
Realized
Well
Rather
Gonna
Wallet
Feel
Funny
Dollars
Wallets

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
Emo Philips
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
Emo Philips
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips