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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Feels
Lost
Lessons
Avenue
Would
Found
Hundred
Avenues
Keep
Walking
Fifth
Thought
Return
Lesson
Today
Humor
Fifty
Wells
Taught
Realized
Well
Rather
Gonna
Wallet
Feel
Funny
Dollars
Wallets

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
Emo Philips
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
Emo Philips