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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Would
Found
Hundred
Avenues
Keep
Walking
Fifth
Thought
Return
Lesson
Today
Humor
Fifty
Wells
Taught
Realized
Well
Rather
Gonna
Wallet
Feel
Funny
Dollars
Wallets
Feels
Lost
Lessons
Avenue

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Emo Philips
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips