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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Givers
Giver
Indian
Hate
Back
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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