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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Giver
Indian
Hate
Back
Take
Givers

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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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