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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Loved
Comedy
Probably
Anyone
Funny
Toughest
Reality
Murder
Time
Devil
Life
Humor

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Philips
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips