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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Loved
Comedy
Probably
Anyone
Funny
Toughest
Reality
Murder
Time
Devil
Life
Humor

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips