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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Anyone
Funny
Toughest
Reality
Murder
Time
Devil
Life
Humor
Loved
Comedy
Probably

More quotes by Emo Philips

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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
Emo Philips