Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Funny
Toughest
Reality
Murder
Time
Devil
Life
Humor
Loved
Comedy
Probably
Anyone
More quotes by Emo Philips
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Emo Philips
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
Emo Philips
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
Emo Philips
Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Emo Philips
They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
Emo Philips
