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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Life
Humor
Loved
Comedy
Probably
Anyone
Funny
Toughest
Reality
Murder
Time
Devil

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips