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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Time
Devil
Life
Humor
Loved
Comedy
Probably
Anyone
Funny
Toughest
Reality
Murder

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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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