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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Anyone
Funny
Toughest
Reality
Murder
Time
Devil
Life
Humor
Loved
Comedy
Probably

More quotes by Emo Philips

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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
Emo Philips