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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Good
Kill
Time
Members
Life
Pretty
Worst
Probably
Family
Member
Persons
Otherwise
Person
Devil

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
Emo Philips
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips