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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Good
Kill
Time
Members
Life
Pretty
Worst
Probably
Family
Member
Persons
Otherwise
Person
Devil

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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