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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Good
Kill
Time
Members
Life
Pretty
Worst
Probably
Family
Member
Persons
Otherwise
Person
Devil

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
Emo Philips
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
Emo Philips
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips