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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Good
Kill
Time
Members
Life
Pretty
Worst
Probably
Family
Member
Persons
Otherwise
Person
Devil

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips