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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Life
Pretty
Worst
Probably
Family
Member
Persons
Otherwise
Person
Devil
Good
Kill
Time
Members

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
Emo Philips
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Emo Philips
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips