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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Persons
Otherwise
Person
Devil
Good
Kill
Time
Members
Life
Pretty
Worst
Probably
Family
Member

More quotes by Emo Philips

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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
Emo Philips
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
Emo Philips
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips