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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Ducked
Gay
Following
Large
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Alleyway
Lost
Alleyways
More quotes by Emo Philips
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
Emo Philips
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips