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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Following
Large
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Alleyway
Lost
Alleyways
Ducked
Gay

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips