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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Funny
Alleyway
Lost
Alleyways
Ducked
Gay
Following
Large
Humor
Comedy

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Emo Philips
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips