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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Ducked
Gay
Following
Large
Humor
Comedy
Funny
Alleyway
Lost
Alleyways

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
Emo Philips